Losing a loved one is never easy. It is even harder when the death is untimely or due to unnatural or traumatic causes. But as Paramahansa Yogananda mentions in his autobiography, death is only the transition of a soul, which ensues “…when the breath-link between the soul and body is severed by evolutionary karma..” (pg 473, Autobiography of a Yogi). So, though it is natural to grieve, one needs to learn to acknowledge grief, accept death and to move on.
Grief causes feelings of shock, numbness, pain, sadness, frustration, guilt, anger and fear. It is a natural response to the loss of a family member, friend or an unborn child. The closer you are to that situation, the more severe are the feelings due to the loss. And, while there is no correct or incorrect way to deal with the loss, there are healthy coping skills for grief management.
How you grieve and for how much time you grieve depends on many factors such as your closeness to the person, your personality, the reason and timing of the loss, your own support system, life experience and your faith and belief system. Grief follows its own process; for some people it may last for a few months, a year or so for few and for some, it can’t even be measured in years. However, it is important, whenever comfortable, to work through the feelings of pain, sadness and grief once the individual is ready for it.
Healthy Coping Strategies
- Talk about your loss: Verbalizing who you have lost and his/her significance in your life gives direction to your grief. It also helps you process your grief.
- Honour their memories/legacy: Set a routine around the grieving process; identify 1-2 things that the person you lost was passionate about and, in your regular routine, try to incorporate that as a way to honour them and celebrate the legacy they have left behind. For instance, if they were fond of cooking or eating, have a dinner in their honour on certain special occasion/occasions. In this dinner, get all their favourite dishes cooked, invite all loved ones and spend the evening talking to each other and exchange the memories you all have. Truly honouring their legacy should mean being able to smile each time you are reminded of them rather than only remembering them in pain, with tears.
- Write a ‘Thank You’ Letter: Writing can be very cathartic. You can write a letter to your loved one, in which you start by talking about you love, your bond and your connection with this person. You can write about all the good memories you have of them and things you have learnt from them. You can thank them and express the gratitude you feel towards this person. Next you should write about the times you felt upset, frustrated or angry with this person. And then write about the things that you may feel sorry for, the times when you may have hurt this person when you were angry with them. Finally, start saying goodbye … for all the wonderful and sometimes painful times you still are thankful of having being around each other in the same time and space and perhaps will reconnect in some other lifetime. You can add this letter to the memory box (mentioned below) as well as they are a part of your lifeand always will be.
- Create a memory box: Find a box that you can decorate as per your desire. In this box, add your favourite pictures of this person, as well as pictures of yours with them. Write down small memories you have with this person, as well as their favourite objects or items, and add your letter to this box as well.
- Broaden your focus: Our brain is wired in a way that when we focus on one thing, it becomes more significant than any and everything else. During periods of grief as well, one tends to solely focus only on ones’ own inner pain and loss. Thereby, constantly revisiting the loss, increasing your trauma and creating distance between yourself and everything else that is still a part of your life. Thus, it is helpful, if step by step on daily basis you start to broaden the areas where you focus your energy. The more things you focus on, the lesser will be the intensity of the pain you feel. Again, this does not mean that you are forgetting the person you lost or being less loyal to them. It simply means that while remembering them, you are also mindful of the life around you and continue to be loyal to the loved ones around you.
- Find Inner peace through meditation and/or deep breathing: Focus on your inner peace. Find an outlet for your emotions through meditation and/or deep breathing. This is an effective method of fusing your mind and body, and will thereby help you regulate your emotions and control your mind in a spiritual manner. Define a specific time in a day, and for however much time you would like to spend (could be 10 minutes or could be an hour), and whichever practice you believe in, spend the time in meditation and deep breathing. Be assured that this will help your brain to get rewired for happiness and peace.
- Let go of your guilt: Many individuals in grief feel that if we are not constantly thinking about the loss of their loved one, they are betraying their loved one. One tends to feel ‘guilty’, smiling, relaxing, having a good time, laughing, going for a holiday or simply even going to work. One tends to get angry with themselves if they forget (even if for a brief moment) that they have suffered a loss. Understanding this guilt and separating it from the loss you feel is very important.
- Finally, let go: Letting go doesn’t mean that you are diminishing their significance. It just means that you recognize that it is also time that you sort out the belongings of your departed loved one; keep important and milestone-related memorabilia, but donate the rest to the needy. This also means that, along with their memory and their legacy, you direct your energy and attention towards yourself and other loved ones around you. And, along with honouring the deceased and their significance in your life, you are recognizing the significance of yourself and other loved ones around you.
- Establish/Deepen your attachment with the loved ones around you: Because there is life and happiness in every experience around you, opportunities to create memories with loved ones around you, you establish and deepen your bonds and connections with family and friends.
Within grief, one tends to have ups and downs. But, it would be good if you are being able to disconnect from the grief at times. However, if the pain and/or the feelings of numbness or emptiness are constant, then you may have depression. If you are finding it difficult to bear your grief, consult a professional psychotherapist. Psychotherapy has been proven to be extremely beneficial for both Grief Management and Depression. In therapy, you will be able to work through your feelings of guilt, frustration, anger or sadness. You will be able to sharpen your coping mechanisms and build resilience to overcome your grief. It will also help strengthen your relationship with the other family members. Finally, it will ensure that you are able to smile and be thankful for having known your loved one rather than remembering them only with sadness. Therapy will help restore balance in your life and put YOU back in-charge of it.
