“I remember the first time I saw her, she was wearing a green dress and had tied up her hair in a bun. Her smile was enough to light up my world back then … but now I feel like we are stuck in a rut …”
Would you like to know how to continue to enjoy your relationship and your partner’s company, and not just have to put up with it? Many of you may be aware of what intimacy entails, but have you ever wondered why you are unable to maintain the feelings of intimacy in a relationship? An intimate relationship is a love relationship, which is characterised by self-disclosure, exposure of vulnerabilities, feelings of closeness and connectedness. Intimacy involves an emotional attachment and includes many components such as sharing of personal and private lives, respect, trust, affection and warmth. At times, the intensity of such feelings reduces as relationships progress and sometimes we even start taking the relationship for granted. If you feel the same, then you should consider these 5 aspects:
1) Privacy: You acknowledge your partner as your best friend, confidant and lover. So, even though you may spend more time with your best buddies or colleagues, you share certain topics, inside jokes or details with only your partner. Together, you and your partner become a team that knows the most about each other. The feeling that ‘I know more than anyone else about my partner’ brings security and excitement into your relationship.
2) Prioritise: Each partner has to prioritise the other over his/her own family/parents/children. Yes, you read that right - you need to prioritise your spouse over your child as well! And, your partner needs to be able to feel that prioritisation. Knowing that your partner prioritizes you above everyone else brings immense amount of security, faith and trust in your relationship. Not only does this help protect and enhance your marital bond but it also teaches your children that you are one entity for them.
3) Boundaries: Every relationship needs certain boundaries that keep others out and the couple inside. This ensures your safety as a couple because it means that you would always have a united front. Boundaries are created in the relationship by having a clear understanding that comes from prioritising ‘We’ as a couple before ‘I’.
4) Communication: Everyone highlights communication as an important aspect. However, communication is a two way process of listening and talking. Here, it becomes important to distinguish between hearing and listening. Try to pay attention and listen to your partner and talk openly about your feelings, hopes and desires. And when your partner is talking to you, try not to dismiss your partner or his/her feelings. Sometimes ‘acknowledging’ what is said is more important than ‘agreeing’ with it. Without honest and open communication, no relationship can be deepened.
5) Negotiating Conflict: Instead of the popular belief that conflicts rip relationships apart, negotiating conflict together helps strengthen relationships. Of course, how one defines conflict is relevant. But, in general, unless conflicts lead to ambivalence, rage, resentment; most conflicts can be used as building blocks to understand your partner and his/her needs. Resolving conflicts can also help your partner understand you and your needs by expressing, sharing and receiving information in a positive manner.
If you feel like you are not deriving happiness from your intimate relationship, therapy can help you understand how to strengthen these ‘Big 5’ aspects of your intimate relationship. A therapist can help you to put the privacy back in your relationship, help you prioritise your partner and his/her needs, enable you to build your boundaries, teach you to communicate productively and effectively, and facilitate negotiating conflict so that your relationship can grow along with you!
