Everyone knows that each child deserves his/her own place in the family and, as a parent, maintaining balance is imperative. Identifying and acknowledging individual positive traits in each child is a good parenting style, and ensures that all feel safe and loved. However, often in my line of work as a psychologist, I have observed families in which one child has been singled out as the favourite or “perfect” child, and the other child is always subjected to continuous unfavourable comparison. I have seen this 'perfect child syndrome' single-handedly ruin an entire family. Favouring one child leads to unsaid rules for the other child - including ‘don’t create afuss about things’ or ‘learn to overlook things’ adages like ‘silence is golden’. However, I believe that most of the times such ‘silence is violence’.
At times, the ‘less favoured’ child feels rejected, isolated, insecure, anxious, and often hostile. He/she may develop passive aggressive anger, which will be manifested in his/her behaviour. If your own son/daughter feels unloved and questions your love for himself/herself vis-à-vis your other, more favoured sibling, then, as a parent, maybe it is time to reconsider your parenting technique. Furthermore, singling out one child as the ‘perfect’ child can cause damage not only in the psyche of the less favoured child, but also the psyche of the favourite. The favourite one will always feel the need to be the centre of attention and becomes used to having a helping hand in life situations or alternatively, may simply get tired of playing by the perfect rules.
The support and concern parents offer their children, shapes their behaviour and attitudes towards family and friends. Not recognizing or resolving issues among siblings leads to stress, frustration, low self-esteem, low self-worth and loneliness in the family unit. Gradually, the individual relationships in the family tend to disintegrate. And, the family as a whole begins to collapse, bit by bit. On the other hand, openly discussing and overcoming issues and conflicts, can actually strengthen the core of relationships, among siblings and within the family. Resolving issues amicably empowers everyone to move forward in life, without leaving anyone behind.
This concept has been acknowledged in Bollywood films as well, one good example is the film, ‘Kapoor & Sons’. In the film, my heart went out to Arjun (Sidharth Malhotra), who was the apparent less-favoured son in the family. However, as the film progressed, and the secrets of Rahul’s life were revealed, I could hear whispers from the audience, 'Oh poor Rahul (Fawad Khan)! So much pressure on him' Yes, indeed! The mother’s apparent favouritism and upholding Rahul as the ‘perfect’ child led to sorrow in the whole family. While Arjun felt unloved and alone even in his family, the pressure felt by Rahul was immense. It was hard for him to fulfil expectations all the time!
So, to all the ‘Arjuns’ and the ‘Rahuls’ of the world, it’s never too late ... ! Understand that you both have your own strengths – you’re all “perfect” children!! Therapy is beneficial in understanding the dynamics in your family, it can help you work through and overcome such problems.
